Every year around this time, I invite my father over for lunch. He arrives accompanied by my grandfather and my great-grandfather. The lunch is an elaborate and strange ritual, involving my symbolic washing of all their feet and offering lumps of rice for them amidst chanting of mantras by the purohit.

My father died long back. I do not believe in a soul independent of the physical body. I believe that my aforesaid ancestors haven’t gone to heaven. They haven’t gone to hell. They have ceased to exist.
And yet I perform the ritual, for the past exists – in my memory.

The movie “Utsav” has a touching scene – atleast it touched me, if no one else. The protagonist Charudatta is about to be executed. Just before the executioner’s axe falls, he remembers a duty that he hasn’t performed. He stops the executioner, calls his son over, takes off his own sacred thread and puts it on his son. For those who are unaware, the upanayana ceremony is supposed to be the start of the person’s education, where the father symbolically passes on his store of knowledge to his son.

The scene touched me because it reminded me of a son I don’t yet have. It reminded me of an obligation I have to this non-existent son – to have something to pass on.
The scene touched me because future exists – in my imagination.

People say that they believe in God, but dislike the sundry rituals that seem to accompany their practice of religion. I belong to that strange breed that does not believe in God, but believes in the power of rituals. I agree with the shayer who said:

Terri dua se kaza to badal nahi sakti
magar hai is se yeh mumkin ke tu badal jaye.– Iqbal

Your destiny won’t change by the invocations you make to God,
But chances are that you will.

So this Diwali, I shall light a lamp and worship Lakshmi, that fickle Goddess of wealth. While I do so, I shall keep in mind my mother’s advice that to ensure constancy in Lakshmi, I’d have to make Her jealous by wooing Saraswati.

I cannot do without these symbols that my religion provides me with. Which is why though I do not believe in God, I pretend to.